Tango Types (I): The Tangueros

When venturing into the darkness of the Milonga Jungle, it is wise to be aware of the different Tanguero species that one might encounter in the way. The Taxonomy presented here is the result of many hours of hard and laborious investigation by my research partner, Dr. Miss DF, and myself. In particular, it captures the dissection of Tanguero and Tanguera Types, compiling a wealth of field evidence gathered during the our 7+ years of combined Tango Life. It encompasses all those blissful and painful hours of dancing in our beautiful Comme-Il-Faut heels, in the arms of so many colorful Tangueros, or sitting near (and observing) many intriguing Tangueras at milongas.

We hope that our research will help all, but mainly those newer generations of Tangueros/as, who will be less shocked and better prepared to kill some of the most dangerous species on the spot when they encounter them, before they get devoured and lost forever. Or who knows, we may even be able to prevent some Tangueros to complete their full mutation into some of the nastiest Tanguero Types presented here before it is too late. Needless to say, the usual disclaimer applies: our Taxonomy's specific Types should be regarded as highly stylized averages of the characteristics most noticeably found within each Type. Strong resemblance to anyone in the Milonga Floors you frequent so obsessively (and that includes yourselves) is purely coincidental, and only proof of the quality and depth of our research and analysis. :)

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Section I: Tango Jerks

I.1 The Real Hot-Shot Jerk

Well, let's face it. Every Tango Community has at least a few Real Hot-Shots, of which a relatively large subset qualifies into the "Jerk" category. The Real Hot-Shots are "real" because they do have the "gene" --aside from the hours of painful labor--to master the dance to a very high level, compared to others in their communities. They often become Jerks because they tend to be chased by masses of follows and, at some point or another, the idea "I am a Tango King" seems to get ingrained deeply in their brains. From that moment on, they lose touch with the ground, and their head starts to get full of very very warm air, as well as much other not very useful stuff which seems to seriously affect their social-skill neuro-transmitters. They become extremely reluctant to take any steps that could make them lose their Status. Perhaps that explains why you'll never see them asking anybody to dance, with the exception of a Real Hot-Shot-Follow, especially in the case in which the Hot-Shot-Follow is visiting from out of town and has an even greater reputation than they do. During normal Milongas without Hot-Shot Visitors, this Tanguero species will generally avoid diversifying away from the very best follows in the Community, who will usually will chase him around anyway. From time to time, some of the Real Hot-Shot Jerks will be seen dancing with follows below their level. Ah, but don't be fooled--these dances are not the voluntary, out-of-the heart dances they should be. They are of two types: (i) Charity Dances with "lesser follows" who may have been sufficiently brave to ask them for a dance; these charities usually last less than a full tanda; and (ii) Marketing Dances, especially when the Real Hot Shot is a Teacher looking to sell more privates.

And what's wrong with all this, you ask? After all, not long ago, I posted on "Dancing for the right reasons", no? And here is my answer to you: Of course good dancers (and everyone else) should dance only when they truly want to dance!!!! The problem with the Real Hot Shot Jerk is actually the form in which he handles his inflated ego, which makes him unable to enjoy the dance with anyone he feels won't carry the Status to validate his own. In this process he will insult and hurt many, as he can be patronizing, aggressive, unfriendly, inconsiderate and cruel. Even worse: some Real Hot Shots will often use their strong power over the follows in their Communities to play around with them at other levels a bit too heartlessly.

How to deal with them: Hold your head straight in front of them, and look them in the eye, while you work hard on your own Tango. And remember that, at the end of the day, the best dancing skill can never compensate for loosing one's humanity.

I.2 The Hot-Shot-Wannabe Jerk

This type is actually much worse that the Real Hot Shot Jerk. Why? Well, it encompasses all those Tangueros who are good, but not great... and who lack a good mirror at home to recognize the difference. As a result, they go around with heads bloated by very distorted and self-aggrandizing ideas about themselves and their dancing abilities. In their minds, they are Tango Emperors. While many of them, have only a handful (or less) of Tango-years under their belts, they are convinced they are more elegant than Gavito, more skilled than Pablo Veron, and more creative than Chicho, even though they may not have even made it to BAs yet. Some of them also believe that they know everything there is to know about Tango already (its history, its philosophy, its steps, its music, its lyrics) and have a great capacity to generate amazing quantities of BS in incredibly short periods of time... better to be far away, they can spill it all over you! In their minds, they are true miracles of nature, and can be even more patronizing than the Real Hot Shots. In fact, many of them become Teachers too soon, because they find no other way to validate themselves in the Community as the Hot Shots they so much want to be.

How to deal with them: hold it up to them, remain kind, but shut them up as needed, especially when they spoil your tanda up with their poor lead. Even if you love them (or you want dance with them because most other leads suck): don't forget that they are just in the way of becoming truly impossible characters. Help them grow up, poor things.

I.3 The Aspiring Teacher

No, do not be misled by the name of this dangerous species. The Aspiring Teacher does not teach tango lessons at any other time than during the milonga, usually with some unsuspecting follow. Research suggests that most Aspiring 'Teachers are actually poor and unattractive leads with some excellent memory of fancy and showy patterns which they cannot dream of executing correctly. And since they cannot admit it... they develop the tendency to compensate their weak lead with even weaker pseudo-lessons in the middle of the dance floor, which often disrupt the flow of the line of dance. And hey, let's just call a spade a spade: the Aspiring Teachers are jerks, because they are trying to raise their egos at the expense of any unfortunate being that makes it into their embrace.

How to deal with them: Well, if you are an experienced follow, chances are you are already not dancing with this type. He likely tried to teach you how to do a boleo or a gancho when he couldn't lead you to do one some time ago; by now you've discovered that he just simply sucks at leading boleos and ganchos (and everything else, for that matter). The Aspiring Teacher is often well known in his Community, and so he tends to float around the newest follows (especially if they are good looking), because they are the perfect victims who just don't know better... So, beginners: stay away from anyone who tries to teach you whatever in the dance floor. The Aspiring Teachers are not trying to help you, but only trying to help themselves feel better at your expense. And they'll likely spoil you with their bad habits, if you stay around them just for the sake of being nice. Run Away!

I.4 The Baby-Sitter-Jerk

This one is the type you already know is not such a great lead. He is just "OK" --and you dance with him from time to time... but there are milongas, or tandas, in which you just don't feel like it, perhaps because you are tired, or waiting from some specific lead to ask you. The Baby-Sitter-Jerk, however, is a very passive-aggressive type: deep inside he gets so pissed when you say "No Thanks, I'm tired", that he wants to undermine your chances to get any other dances with anyone else in the room. So he says, with a grin, "Oh, no problem, I'll sit here and wait with you if you don't mind", and he does!! He sticks in there and does not leave, putting you in a very difficult situation. First, fewer leaders will approach you, since they'll see you sitting and talking to someone. Second, if they do, unless you want to be rude to the Baby Sitter, you'll have to say "No, sorry, I'm tired", as well. Hummmmmmm.

How to deal with them: In my humble opinion, they are begging for you to be rude, by forgetting the basics of Tango Etiquette in the World without Cabeceo. So, if a Baby-Sitter is sticking around you, I recommend you send a message by accepting the next leader you'll like to dance with, regardless of his presence... I guarantee you that he'll eventually be back and ask you again, and perhaps next time he'll be more respectful if you choose to say no.

I.5 The Perv-Jerk

Out-of-the-Closet Tango Pervs, luckily, do not abound in relatively small Tango Communities. There is a very simple reason: it can be just too socially costly to make a Perv-like mistake at a Milonga in a circle where most people know each other. That said, they do exist--and they can do a number of pretty disturbing things to unprepared follows. I've heard stories that range from looking a Perv-Jerk for opportunities to touch the follows' body excessively ( i.e., with the Perv somehow managing to put his hands on the follow's breasts), to too much closeness in close-embrace, to taking a follow's hand, and placing it somewhere on their own body (ugh). No joke here, this is a serious matter: we are talking about unwanted physical contact and actual harassment.

How to deal with them: Stop dancing with the Perv ASAP. Period. And if you can, prevent other follows.

I.6 The Creepy Beggar

This type shares some similaries with the Baby-Sitter, since you've probably danced with him sometimes. But he's likely to be not such a great lead--in fact, a lot of Creepy Beggars are often insecure, and therefore they cannot put themselves out there in the dance floor, which takes a toll on their musicality and leading skills. Thus, you will want to dance with him only from time to time... and when you say no, they get creepy. They beg. It can be with words. Or they can just stare at you for hours. If that creeps you out, and you say no again, the creepiness can increase... making it uncomfortable even to say hello or more generally get anywhere near the Creepy Beggar.

How to deal with them: Opinions here vary. Kinder souls will be of the view that maybe you can spare a tanda or two to this type, since he's not inherently bad, just overly traumatized by the follow's rejection. Others have less patience; and at the end, it is all about what makes you happier with yourself...

I.7 The Amnesic Egg-Head Jerk

The Amnesic Egg Head Jerk is the kind of person you may run into when you are at a Festival out of town, and who chooses to remain amnesic about your existence. If you dare to say hi, he will pretend he barely remembers you. Very often, this type shares some features with the Hot Shot Wannabe, since he likely thinks he's just way way way too good for you... and since he doesn't want to take the risk of having you beg him for a dance (yes, he believes he is *that* good), he plays it "safe" by ignoring you.

How to deal with them: Just say a brief hello and move on. Remain classy and courteous, but hopefully he'll get the message that you couldn't care less about dancing with him!

Section II: The Other Tango Guys

II.1 The Navigational Hazard

While of course there are some Jerks who are also Navigational Hazards, our investigation suggests that many of them are actually nice people--and even relatively good leads when nobody else is around--but absolutely clueless in crowded floors. The interesting thing is that they invariably tend to blame many other leads in the floor for being "Navigational Hazards" -- it is as if they had no sense of how bad they themselves are, of how much they are bumping their follow against other couples, of how poorly they are measuring the space before running a boleo, etcetera. Worse: few follows will dare telling them they are just in desperate need to learn how to navigate. The Jerk variety can be recognized because leaders in this category will expect their follows to apologize on their behalf for all the heels they stick on the legs of their fellows Tangueros/as.

How to deal with them: Still wondering. Unfortunately, saying "no thanks" when invited to dance by a Navigational Hazard is not a concise enough message--and not likely to happen when the lead is not a bad person, and not a bad lead per se. Skilled follows may be able to slip a word of advice here and there, but if the Navigational Hazard is in self-denial, he will not get it. Perhaps the Milonga's organizers should take a more active role in enforcing/encouraging a decent line of dance in their dance floors...

II.2 The Fun Guy

He's a trusty type in low moments. The Fun Guy may not be taking his Tango too seriously (although sometimes he does), but his laid back approach, and his self-confidence usually make him playful, and a joy to dance with, especially valses, and high-energy tangos... A potential drawback? They may get sloppy and/or too goofy if carried away in their own little playgrounds...

How to deal with them: By all means, dance with them if you are up for some fun!

II.3 The Quiet Tanguero

These quiet types can be surprisingly good leads. They may be introverts, but remember, introversion does not always mean shyness, or lack of self-confidence. Some of them may just be extremely serious about their Tango, and would rather watch than dance for the sake of it. At the same time, they are often much warmer and kinder than expected once you approach them.

How to deal with them: OK, if you are more traditional, you don't have to ask the quiet type to dance with you. But if you've spoted a quiet good dancer, it may not hurt to start saying hi when you see him around.

II.4 The Scratched Long-Play Record

Background info for those of you who missed a childhood with LP Records, and were born in an era of cassettes and/or CDs: A scratched LP record repeats the same phrase over and over and over and over and over again... :} and so does this Tanguero--he has his little pattern: cross, molinete to the right, back step, side step, ocho cortado; cross, molinete to the right, back step, side step, ocho cortado; cross, molinete to the right, back step, side step, ocho cortado. OK, boooooring, and while they may be able to at least go with the beat, they just have zero creativity and zero musicality. They tend to truly suck with challenging orchestras (Pugliese, anyone?) or pieces that do not fit their patterns (alternative music and milongas).

How to deal with them: I guess one can accept to dance with this type from time to time; but there are moments in which it can be just insufferable. Maybe one can give hints on cool tango workshops coming up at the end of the tanda?

II.5 The Casanova

The Casanovas' main trait is their need to charm the ladies with their dancing abilities. They tend to be cool, good looking and pretty decent dancers, although you can find some "wannabes" as well. While the focus of their attention may change from Milonga to Milonga, you will recognize them by seeing them dance pretty much non-stop all night long with the same Follow. In some cases, the Follows come from outside--often a "date" who has never learned any Tango or has just taken a few lessons, and whom the Casanova has taken upon himself to impress with his sweet teaching abilities and mastery of the dance. In the process, he ignores all those other Follows who have already witnessed him execute the same mating ritual with someone else at last week's milonga.

How to deal with them: Nah, don't worry. They'll likely won't bother you, unless they are coming after you. In which case, use your best judgement...

II.6 The Gentleman (or the Kindest Soul)

Once upon a time, I was in the middle of a class with this lead (and dear friend) from another City with whom I just *love* to dance. We were partnering for the whole lesson--a really challenging one (at least for me!), on piernazos, taught by Sebastian Arce and Mariana Montes. While practicing with my friend a really crazy combination, I accidentally kicked the front of his calf with my Comme-Il-Faut's heel. HORROR: I'd left him bleeding, and the whole kick had been obviously really painful. I ran out of the room where we were practicing, trying to find a first-aid kit to help him (by the way... none around, really a problem!). When I came back, in frustration and guilt, I almost could not stop apologizing for what I felt was my own careless and stupid, stupid mistake. He just smiled, and said: "Don't worry, accidents happen, it was not your fault, and I really enjoy dancing with you". And you know what? He meant it. He still asked me to dance, many times since then, both in the reminder of the Festival, and every time we have coincided in the same Milonga until now.

While my friend probably exemplifies the highest standard of the Gentleman tanguero, there are so many others around. Leads who surprise me, when I make a mistake and say "Ooops, I'm sorry", by answering: "remember, it is always the leader's fault". The best part is that they mean it (as opposed to the Hot-Shot-Wannabes, who may say it with a cynical undetone, or not say it at all!) and their kindness and generosity is one of those things that remind me that I'm lucky to be dancing tango.

How to deal with them: Do I need to give any instructions here? :)

II.7 The Patient Mentor

Any follow who has started to learn Tango knows how terribly frustrating it can be to step in the dance floor and feel absolutely clueless about how to move. Worse: we also know how painful and humiliating can be to go back to our seats and never get asked again during the rest of the Milonga... except when the Patient Mentor comes to the rescue. This type is *not* to be confused, ever, ever, ever, with the Aspiring Teacher. The Mentor is actually a good, experienced and kind lead, who knows and loves Tango (and its culture) enough not to teach anything on the dance floor... but just to be there, be patient with a beginner who needs help and provide all kinds of moral support along the way. Yes, lucky us, Follows, there are some Tangueros like that. And like the Gentleman, above, they are the kind of people who keep us going on when we feel we suck, who cheer us up, who are happy with us when they see us improving in our dancing, and know how to appreciate, from an early stage, the good things we have to offer when we dance.

How to deal with them: Cherish them :)

II.8 The Good Leader

He is an excellent leader (well connected, musical, gentle and playful), and well regarded in his tango community, but not interested in making it into the Hot Shot ranks. Free of traumas, he'll dance with you when he really wants to, and whenever that happens, that is a certainty for a wonderful tanda.

How to deal with them: Just dance!!!

II.9 The Nice Hot-Shot

He is a truly endangered species: the amazing and well-recognized dancer who is sufficiently grounded, self-confident and in touch with himself to enjoy dancing with someone who is a solid follow, but not a Hot-Shot. I can vouch for the fact that there are some left in the wild: I was lucky enough to dance with one of them at Portland's Valentango, and I know another one, great dancer and acclaimed DJ, who always makes a point of greeting me kindly and with a smile, no matter where he encounters me, and often (even if not always) invites me to a genuine dance. What can I say? Only one thing comes to mind: Thank God for these Tangueros.

How to deal with them: Just enjoy them, and please, don't asphyxiate them!! :}

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Next Installment: The Tangueras